It’s funny, today is the day that I was inspired to write this and it’s the exact anniversary date which marked the inspiration for this post. A year ago, I had a person enter my life, even though it was for a short time it had an enormous impact on me.
It was Friday the 13th (I don’t believe it’s bad luck) and it was first time we met, instantaneously I felt a connection with this person on all levels mentally, physically and morally, we just seemed to click. Over the next the week or so the interaction was amazing, but then it fizzled out as quickly as it started. The communication stopped and closeness was replaced with an unexplainable silence and distance.
Why am I sharing this, because it was the first time in a long time I doubted my intuition, It was also the first time in so long that I allowed myself to open up, be loving and vulnerable and then when it died and wasn’t reciprocated the way I thought it was, I took a big hit emotionally as it seemed this kept happening to me. I would give and give and give to people and just end up with no one investing in me.
I felt depleted, naïve, broken and began to doubt if I should even follow my intuition. My defence mechanisms fired up again and I became emotionally withdrawn, defensive, distrustful and guarded. My thought process became “Why does this always keep happening to me?”. I went through confusion, anger, frustration and finally forgiveness. I am now grateful they entered my life, because this meeting triggered me into a journey of self- discovery.
They made me realise that I was giving and giving and giving in an attempt to feel like I mattered, to make me feel like I was worthy and loveable. When I received positive responses and interactions, I treated it like positive reinforcement ”Oh , they like me” and when I received no response or coldness, I did not receive the response I needed to make me feel like I meant anything, so my thoughts quickly went to “What did I do wrong?” or “Am I not good enough?”
Over the last 12 months, I broke down this interaction and previous experiences like it and found my real issue was my own self-worth. I didn’t love myself enough. I didn’t feel like I mattered. It made me realise my own pattern of self-loathing and self-sabotage. It made me realise that this person’s actions were not a reflection of my worthiness of love. The way they shutdown was about their emotional responses not mine. I had to detangle myself from years of patterning and my own belief system that made me feel invisible.
I hold no anger towards this person and do not regret being vulnerable and open with this person either, as I was only following my heart and my truth, this meeting activated me to go through all my emotional rubble that was holding me back from the real connection and intimacy I craved, it made me realise how worthy I am, how valuable I am and how loveable I am. It helped me break years of cycles, I kept repeating. I can now proudly say I love who I am and one day that will be reflected back at me in the eyes of another soul that feels the same.
Hopefully this inspires you to look at your own process….
